2012: A Look Ahead

By badlandsbadley

I think we can all agree: 2011 sucked. It was a big stupid year full of big stupid things. All around, it was just stupid.
Finally, though, 2012 is just around the corner. Now, we can pretend that 2011 never happened and look forward to the Mayan apocalypse. (Note to Self: Mayan Apocalypse is a great name for a metal band.)
Since 2011 was the worst year since 1993 (the year that Crystal Pepsi was discontinued), I am going to ignore the trend that everyone else will be jumping on. Why would I want to review the previous year? No, I will look forward to 2012.
This is what my 2012 will look like:
January 1^st: The official first day of 2012.
January 1^st, 14 minutes after waking up: The first time I write 2011 instead of 2012.
January 7^th: I will brag about how I haven’t broken one of my New Year’s resolutions.
January 8^th: I will break all of my resolutions at one time, slip into a deep spiral of self-loathing, and vow to never, ever again make New Year’s resolutions.
January 13^th: The first Winter Youth Olympics begin. I will celebrate by avoiding physical activities and forgetting that the Winter Youth Olympics are a thing.
February 14^th: Valentine’s Day
February 15^th: My wife and I realize we forgot about Valentine’s Day. We make up for it by eating at a casual dining chain.
March 20^th: My relatives ask me what I want for my birthday. I can’t come up with anything under the price of $500, so I say nothing.
March 27^th: My birthday. I receive all of my presents and vow to give everyone a list of what I actually do want next year.
April 3^rd: I vow to write a book. I develop a plot outline, several intriguing characters and get to work on it.
April 4^th: I forget about the whole book thing because writing is hard and Netflix just added the latest season of “Ace of Cakes.”
May 5^th: To celebrate May Day, I write a blog post complaining about the stupidity of a holiday that involves a pole. Seriously, May? Try to find a better decoration.
May 20^th: There will be a solar eclipse. This being 2012, the year that the world ends, everyone will panic pre-eclipse and run to the store to buy the necessities. Inevitably, this will be the day every AA battery in my house dies and I will be forced to change the channel on the TV by hand while the stores restock.
June 1^st: I will finally be able to find batteries.
June 16^th: I will crave some frozen yogurt. Hours later, I will wake up in my living room, surrounded by fro-yo containers. Realizing I can’t control myself around delicious, frozen treats, I will curl up into the fetal position and cry for a little bit before looking to see if I left any in the containers.
July 4^th: I will eat too many hot dogs. They will be delicious.
July 15^th: I will retry the whole book thing.
July 18^th: My wife will ask, “Whatever happened to that book thing?” I will not remember what she is talking about.
July 27^th: The summer Olympics start.
July 30^th: I turn on the TV to watch the track and field, only to find the Pre-Post-Preliminary round of rhythmic gymnastics.
July 31^st- August 11^th: Still watching rhythmic gymnastics.
August 12^th: At the closing ceremonies, the London Olympic officials realize they forgot to have any event besides the rhythmic gymnastics. They quickly hand out medals for the other events based on “how dope the warm-up jackets are.”
August 27^th: My wife and I realize we missed our anniversary sometime in June or July. We go out to a casual dining chain to celebrate.
September 27^th: My wife’s birthday. I get a present that is so good, it will alter the fabric of time. In hundreds of years, this will be known as gift day in celebration of my gift-giving prowess.
October 15^th: My wife will begin to try to talk me into attending a Halloween party. Since I hate wearing costumes, I will say no.
October 18^th: My wife will try to talk me into attending a Halloween party. I will say no again.
October 23^rd: My wife will try to talk me into attending a Halloween party. Not listening to what she is saying, I will accidentally agree.
October 31^st: I will be “sick.”
November 13^th: A total solar eclipse. Since it is still 2012, the stores will, once again, run out of canned goods, bottled water, and, of course, AA batteries. Also, there is a fair chance some cult will do something crazy.
November 28^th: I will finally learn to tie my shoes on my own. My wife and I will celebrate by going to a casual dining chain.
December 1^st: The media begins convincing me that the only Christmas gift I need is _______________. I will initially resist, but in the end admit that it is “pretty cool, I guess.”
December 21^st: According to Mayan prophecies, this will be the end of the world. Stores sell out of batteries again. I use this as an excuse to not buy anyone Christmas presents. “Why would you need that if the world ends?” I will constantly be saying.
December 22^nd: After seeing that the world did not end, I begin shopping for presents.
December 27^th: I make another stupid list about 2013. Spoiler alert: It’s, most likely, the exact same list.